Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day Four of Thirty Days of Truth - Something I Have to Forgive Someone Else For

I have been thinking of this one all day. I have to say, I have not come up with one thing that I need to forgive. Of all the times that I have been hurt, I have understood the rationale or the circumstance. Of all the times I have been angry, usually the anger has been my problem. It's not to say that I forgive and forget. No, I may never forget (getting dumped the night of the prom?) because forgiveness and not being bitter or wary are two different things. For instance, I confronted a friend in a lie one time. Once my anger wore off, I had forgiven her but I have not been so trusting of her since. Two different things.

And then there are the times that someone I love has been hurt. I can't seem to forgive some of these wrongs but at the same time, they are not my wrongs to forgive.

Finally, some transgressions are just so terrible, they are undeserving of forgiveness and should never be forgiven.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Three of Thirty Days of Truth - Something I Have to Forgive Myself For

When my husband and I are asked how we met, I always laugh first before launching into the story. There's the short version, "Oh, he was trying to date my roommate but..." And there's the longer one, the one that you have heard. (Really, it's a nice story so go ahead and read it.) I have no regrets about what began with that Irish coffee but I have always felt terrible that "Christopher" had to get hurt in the process. I am not proud that these two relationships had some overlap and that because I wasn't being honest with myself, I could never have been honest with Christopher. He was a great guy and deserved better treatment. Causing him pain was the most difficult thing I have done and I wish I could have handled the situation better. I don't know how I would have done things differently or how I could have hurt him less. The outcome would have been the same for which I am most grateful. I don't need him to forgive me, I only need to forgive myself or let it go. Is that the same thing? A caterpillar does not consider a less complicated or less painful way to morph into a butterfly. He simply finds a sturdy twig and makes a chrysalis. What happens inside that small chamber is doubtfully easy and often does not end well. But when it does, something beautiful emerges. He doesn't ask for forgiveness nor does he get to choose the process. He begins again as something new. When "Luke" knocked on my door that night, I knew a change in my life could no longer be denied. How could I not forgive myself the process when something so beautiful came of it?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day Two of Thirty Days of Truth - Something I Love About Myself

I'd love to say that it is my witty charm that is my greatest asset. I love to say that I am a beautiful person with nary a mean thought for anyone. I'd love to say that my hair is my crowning glory and the envy of all my friends, but um, no. This is a post of truth and heartfelt honesty. So while I am in fact, quite witty and charming, that is not the feature I most love about myself.

I love that I am a compassionate person. I buy the homeless man on the corner a sandwich when I stop at the burger joint. I help friends with meals, laundry or child care whenever needed. I give complete strangers jump starts or wait with them for help to come. I volunteer my expertise at the kid's school and in my community. I offer these things and never feel that I am doing too much. I try to do anything I can to help someone who needs it. Don't be fooled though. I am no saint. My compassion is selfish simply because it causes me physical pain to see someone else in pain. I cry when others cry. I can't bear it and I want to reach out and do whatever it takes to remove that pain.

Sometimes, it gets me in trouble. There was the lady that we let into our apartment one night because she said someone was trying to hurt her. She had actually escaped from the mental health facility down the road so the police thanked us, apologized and recommended we don't do that again. Sometimes, I simply get taken advantage of like the time(s) I mysteriously found myself baby sitting without ever having been asked. And sometimes, I end up with homeless kittens in my bathroom needing expensive food and vet care. And baths.

I love that I would do all those things again, because that is who I am. Now if you will excuse me, I have some kittens to feed.

Come on, you know you want to:
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Monday, November 1, 2010

Come Back Home with 30 Days of Truth

Well why not? I haven't posted in over a year so November 1st seems like a good day as any to start a comeback. And with the meme theme of 30 Days of Truth, it may be time to be honest with you and myself about a few things. Even more fitting - today's theme is: What I Hate About Myself. Easy. So let's dispense with what I have been up to since last October and blah, blah, blah (and no, I did not go and have a baby) and get on with the matter at hand.

Day One of Thirty Days of Truth - Something I Hate About Myself

This blog is a prime example: I am all ideas with a huge lack of follow through. There you have it. I have plans, goals and a list of things that must be done. But I just don't get them done. Why is that? I can blame the kids, the laundry, the driving, the cooking and all the other chores but the fact of the matter is, I am missing the gene that carries motivation. Clearly. Oh it's not like my kids are running around naked in filth (all the time, that is). I do get my most basic chores accomplished but usually because there is a deadline or some undesirable consequence. Must get kids to school, must get underwear washed, must buy groceries, must pay bills... You get the idea. But those other things that I want to do? They often just don't happen. I can make the time. I often just don't. Or I allow myself to get distracted by other things I think I need or want to do more.

To put it simply, I am lazy. And I am so frustrated with myself for that. (Ouch, it hurts me to read that in black and white.)

So what do you hate about yourself? Play along with us. Marty has a great explanation here and now that I remember how to even access my blog, I'll be attempting to pour out the honesty daily. If I can get over my lazy self, of course.