Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Three of Thirty Days of Truth - Something I Have to Forgive Myself For

When my husband and I are asked how we met, I always laugh first before launching into the story. There's the short version, "Oh, he was trying to date my roommate but..." And there's the longer one, the one that you have heard. (Really, it's a nice story so go ahead and read it.) I have no regrets about what began with that Irish coffee but I have always felt terrible that "Christopher" had to get hurt in the process. I am not proud that these two relationships had some overlap and that because I wasn't being honest with myself, I could never have been honest with Christopher. He was a great guy and deserved better treatment. Causing him pain was the most difficult thing I have done and I wish I could have handled the situation better. I don't know how I would have done things differently or how I could have hurt him less. The outcome would have been the same for which I am most grateful. I don't need him to forgive me, I only need to forgive myself or let it go. Is that the same thing? A caterpillar does not consider a less complicated or less painful way to morph into a butterfly. He simply finds a sturdy twig and makes a chrysalis. What happens inside that small chamber is doubtfully easy and often does not end well. But when it does, something beautiful emerges. He doesn't ask for forgiveness nor does he get to choose the process. He begins again as something new. When "Luke" knocked on my door that night, I knew a change in my life could no longer be denied. How could I not forgive myself the process when something so beautiful came of it?

2 comments:

Marty said...

I feel the same way about my marriage now. You said it much more eloquently than I could :)

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