1. Dear Weather,
After almost no rain for an entire year, why do you decide to make it up to us all at the same time, during Spring break no less? Just asking. And by the way, why 80 degrees one day and 40 degrees the next? I need more consistency in my life, please. You had all winter to be cold and mostly you chose not to be. You do not get a do-over in April, sorry. You should know that I have packed away the hats, scarves, and coats until next year. Thanks.
2. Dear Sons,
You know those large plastic container-things in your closets? Those are called hampers. Say it with me, H.A.M.P.E.R.S. They are for your dirty clothes, which are those things all over the floor near the container-things. And the reason you can’t find your clean clothes is because they seem to be stuffed into the hampers where the dirty ones should be. I know – what a mystery!
Here’s another piece of information: I am not the maid. I know this is a bit of a shock but you know how I know the difference? Maids get paychecks and time off.
3. Dear Toddler,
I love that you still breastfeed at 20 months. Really I do. But at night? Every 40 minutes or so? Not so much. That could stop. Think about it.
4. Dear Dog,
Today I have spent A LOT of money on getting the carpet cleaned. If you value your place in the household, you will not, and I repeat NOT, choose today to deposit anything from the inside of your body onto the floor. Consider yourself warned.
5. Dear Husband,
It would have been lovely for you to have taken just a bit of time off from work this week during Spring Break so that we could do something as a family. Like eat dinner maybe? Just sayin’. Also, I could use a break from items 1 through 4. So when you suggested this morning that I take the kids to the museum by myself? I kind of wanted to say, “Why don’t you take them?”
P.S. Speaking of the maid, I think we should fire her because, man, the house is a wreck.